I just received a letter, calling itself an "EMERGENCY TELEGRAM", from John McCain.  Actually, it was addressed to my uncle, who died three years ago, and I figured that he would not mind my opening it.  Here are some excerpts:

 Dear Friend,

I have never been one to mince words, so I'll get right to the point.  If you are at all concerned about the prospect of Senator Barack Obama becoming the next President of the United States, then I need your help, and I need it right now.  The November election may seem far off, but the outcome of the election could well be determined in the next 30 days...That is why I am reaching out to you today and asking you to support my presidential campaign by rushing an Emergency Contribution of $2,300, $1,000, $500, $100, $50 or $35 to my headquarters as soon as you possibly can...Senator Obama and his wealthy liberal allies have built the most massive political fundraising machine in modern history.  They are growing their mailing lists and phone banks, perfecting their technologies, developing their money-raising techniques - from telephones to text-messaging to mail to the Internet to knocking on doors.  And it is working...

After explaining the fact that he needs a bunch of money for his campaign, Senator McCain's message then turns to explaining why Obama should be stopped, and the supposedly dire consequences of an Obama victory:

• The respected National Journal news periodical recently identified Senator Obama as the single most liberal member of the entire U.S. Senate - as his record and rhetoric makes perfectly obvious.
• Senator Obama wants to raise your taxes.
• Senator Obama wants to increase the size of the federal government.
• Senator Obama offers a big government solution to health care coverage.
• And of course, Senator Obama will surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq and withdraw our armed forces based on an arbitrary timetable.

In short, the difference between me and Senator Obama is unmistakable.  If my opponent wins the White House in November, we could be facing one of the most radical and extreme shifts in the direction of our nation in American history.  And if Democrats also retain control of Congress, they would control the entire federal government and that would be unstoppable. 

Then, the message goes back to the money issue, that McCain needs the funds to counter the "vicious attacks" on him by the "unregulated 527 soft-money groups like the notorious MoveOn.org." 

Well, let me save Senator McCain the postage that would be due in his Business Replay Mail envelope, and respond publicly:

Senator McCain, my uncle is dead, and to the best of my knowledge, none of the immediate family still alive supports your candidacy for president.  A few extended family members probably do, but you will have to find them on your own. 

In addition, your assertions about Senator Obama are the same kind of distortions that you accuse Obama's allies of doing to you.  The "most liberal member of the Senate" tag is bullshit, and you know it.  It is kind of like calling Tolstoy's War and Peace the greatest novel ever written.  A plausible case might be made, but stating an opinion as an objective fact is intellectually dishonest.  As for Obama's alleged intention to raise taxes and increase the size of the federal government, that is also misleading at best.  He would raise some taxes and reduce others.  President George W. Bush has presided over a huge increase in the federal government during his regime, and largely with your support, Senator McCain.  Besides that, the real burden on American taxpayers is government spending, not its current year tax collections.  Increasing government spending while reducing tax collections is actually a tax increase.  It just shifts the tax burden to our children.  It is a disgrace.  True small-government conservatives should be appalled at the record of Mr. Bush.  While you took some admirably independent stands in past years, you have been as loyal as a lapdog to Mr. Bush lately. 

Finally, your assertion that "Senator Obama will surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq" is downright offensive, as far as I am concerned.  I am well aware that distorting a political opponent's statements and voting record is as American as apple pie, and I do not expect either you or Senator Obama to completely refrain from it.  However, your statement practically accuses Senator Obama of treason.  The war in Iraq, which you have supported every step of the way, is by far the biggest foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.  I will not elaborate on the reasons here.  There are many fine books which provide the details and documentation, as you are well aware.  Let me just note here that the war in Iraq removed focus and resources from Afghanistan, whose Taliban rulers had provided a base for Al Qaeda.  In effect, it is President Bush - with the encouragement and assistance of Senator McCain, among others - who in effect weakened the effort against Al Qaeda.  I would never accuse you, or even President Bush, of treason, but the effects of his policies (with your support) are far more harmful to our country's interests than anything Barack Obama has ever dreamed of.  

I am the Bard of Wilmette, and I approved this message.