Cross-posted on The Stonecipher Report
So – in case you forgot how we got here – Federal Judge James B. Zagel ruled that disgraced (and removed-from-office) Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was NOT allowed to leave the country to participate in NBC’s jungle-survivor reality show "I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!" in Costa Rica. Oh, man – were we disappointed…if nothing else, we at least wanted to see what a few styling-product-less days in a steamy jungle would do to the famous Blago helmet-o’-hair.
Instead, of course, B-Rod’s wife Patti apparently managed to barely qualify as some sort of a "celebrity" (along with "The Hills’" Spencer and Heidi, washed-up original "supermodel" Janice Dickinson, Stephen and Daniel Baldwin, and others)…and so SHE headed off to represent the family on the show instead – AND to work to pull in some appearance dough for them.
A couple of idiocy-filled, but mostly drama-less weeks later (except maybe for "Speidi’s" multiple attempts at quitting the show and Dickinson’s disgusting thieving and hoarding of supplies), Patti B. is still hanging in there in the Costa Rican jungle, actually being a pretty straightforward – and well-liked by most of the other competitors – mother-figure. And, the nearly nightly program has provided her with some valuable (and maybe even potential eventual-jury-swaying!) screen time to tell her (and her disgraced hubby’s) sympathetic version of what has gone on here in Illinois for the last 6+ months.
OK – fair enough…maybe it hasn’t been a complete car crash for her, but…we DID at least get to see Patty chew up a tarantula, pretty much sour on the well-past-her-sell-by-date former-model Dickinson (along with almost all the other semi-celeb contestants), and even get rewarded (by "tribe leader" Lou Diamond Phillips) with a Skype video call home to B-Rod and their daughters.
…But, even after all of that, I couldn’t help but daydream about what the whole show might have been like with some OTHER famous political figures getting to join the celebrity encampment down there and battle it out for food rewards and immunity from TV-viewer vote-offs. Hmm…I wonder…what would "I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!" be like with the following pols taking Patti’s place?
Newt Gingrich: The bookish, well-fed, professorial old "Contract With America" leader would most likely REALLY question WHY he was supposed to – "let me get this straight" – pop a few scorpions into his mouth in a challenge so the rest of his team would get to dine on mere hot dogs that night. Suddenly, the cold-seeming, over-thinking conservative might actually make some sense to me…
Joe Biden: I can just picture the smiling, glad-handing VP jungle-stripped down to a tank top, too-short shorts, and head-band, telling stories of his HUNDREDS of interesting Acela train rides back and forth between Delaware and Washington over the years. Even excitingly cheerful former "American Idol" competitor Sanjaya would end up yawning and telling the old man to JUST SHUT UP!!!
Joe Lieberman: How’s this for some true "Joe-mentum"? His flip-flopping, sanctimonious, boring ass would be voted off the show before the first episode’s initial commercial break…
John McCain: "Yes, Sen. McCain, we heard about how much worse it was for you back at the ‘Hanoi Hilton’…and, no, I don’t think any of us would really care for any more roasted beetles, snakes, or rats – you can go ahead and have as much of those as you’d like!"
Al Gore: Oh yeah, like we would’ve wanted to listen to nearly entire episodes worth of rain-forest preaching or sanctimonious bitching at Daniel Baldwin over his dropping a granola-bar wrapper on the jungle ground…
Sarah Palin: Hey, she’d be away for at least a few weeks – so, whattya think the chances are that, um, she might just come home from the jungle to find at least another grandchild-to-be bun-in-the-oven for at least one of her strangely-named (and apparently not-so-closely-watched) daughters?
Mitt Romney: Would likely wear a suit, tie, and wingtips throughout the entire sun-and-heat-and-rain-and-bugs jungle ordeal…and ANOTHER prime suspect to be first one voted off…
Bill and Hillary Clinton: Hey, if Spencer and Heidi could be a tethered – yet competing (men vs. women, as well as every celeb for themselves) – duo, why not the most famous political one, too? Except, of course, that Hill would end up spending most of her time frigidly glaring at Bill as he flirted – AKA (in his case) simply being himself – nearly non-stop with once-model Janice Dickinson and trim blond former wrestler Torrie Wilson. ("What, Hill, honey-bun? Torrie just said that she really had some sore muscles from all the strain and stress…and I told her I had picked up some pointers from the Whiter House masseuse…but it was completely innocent, I swear to you!")
Roland Burris: "OK, and what sort of sized check would I have to write to NBC to get on the show? Oh, you mean they would pay ME? I’ll start packing a bag now – AND preparing a new achievement line to get carved in over on my cemetery monument…"
Dick Cheney: Uh-oh – Baldwin brothers, you better watch out! We know it’s the not-there Alec that is the REAL stinkin’ outspoken liberal one of you guys, but…you never know when Old Man Cheney won’t just try to get some family-related underhanded revenge when your back might be turned…while standing near a cliff or the campfire or something…
Rod Blagojevich: He probably dodged a bullet by not going – do you think in any way, shape, or form that HE could’ve gotten nearly as much sympathy as the standing-tough Patti has gotten so far from the other celebs – and likely from many of the show’s viewers? Nah…but – my god! – it would’ve been nearly infinitely entertaining to watch the so-often blithely reality-ignoring Serbian Haircut himself trying to talk about old Bulls game with John Salley, attempting to croon along with Sanjaya, and maybe even quoting a few "Rod Blagojevich Superstar" lines with Second City vets "Frangela."
…Oh, forget it – who am I trying to kid here? It’s all about the hair – B-Rod’s fabulously bizarre, Beatles-plus-45-years hairstyle, man! That’s what we wanted – that’s ALL we wanted: Just to get to watch on Day 2, 3, 4, etc., as he weathers it all without a brush, spray, shampoo, and conditioner. Can you even imagine that forehead-covering sheaf of his drooping in the heat and the humidity of the jungle? Can you picture him trying to do some bug-related challenge, while he whoops and swats like a 12-year-old girl, trying to wave the creepy stick insects and crawly spiders out of his coif? Oh, man!
Judge Zagel, I know laws are laws, and – sure – who could fully trust this likely walking flight-risk of a guy once he was out of the country, but…MAN – that would have been some kind of fun! I still think you owe us, big time!